so in conclusion part two

So i think i need to clarify so of my thoughts for people, so they get what i mean.

cause to some people i seem like a cynic, just seeing shit at every turn i take.

but that's not it in the least (even sometimes that turn of phrase makes no sense, but any who)

what i mean is, well to put it in words some people could get is, i can see the curvature of the earth, while still standing on the ground.

i can see the stream of time, for i exist outside of said stream.

and when i try to enter said stream, i am either rejected, or aloud in only for small dips, never to bath for extended periods of time in its warm eddies, or to feel its cold waves wash upon my body.

only catching the spray and mist she creates as she soldiers on upon her ceaseless march towards eternity.

and what makes it worse, is no one else can see the plight i am in due to they exist in the stream. they are part of her whiles and whims and turns and dips. and they think i exaggerate my place, yet i can see theirs clearly. the answers to the problems of life, but no one ever hears me due to the fact is, i have no place in the stream.

I'm not one of the fish who explore her hidden currents.

i am not one of the crustaceans who dwell upon her riverbed, feasting on the treasures of the deep within her.

nor am i one of the sharks who are privileged to eat of her full belly to their hearts content.

i am not either the fisherman who gets to net up and sell the bounty of her denizens,

or one of the ones who tries to stop the gluttony of said fishing men.

alone

i am the air the flats on high, never mixing with her

only pumped to her depths, to have her spit me out in small quantities over time. feeling her spray upon high, but never truly a part of her.

and this is what brings me to one of my many conclusions.

so ive come to the conclusion

ive come to the grand conclusion that, all of life's troubles, all of its vagaries, and bullshit, somehow all get lumped onto me. and i see no way out. I dont know how i got to this point in life. I try to be a good person. i try to help as many people as i can and all i get in return is hellfire.

and before you even go to that point of, oh everyone goes thru it, its life...,.walk in my shoes for a second.

i have a good job, not really hurting for money, i have decent friends, though sometimes i wonder..more on that in a minute. so why am i so down in the dumps?

i can pinpoint it to a tee......im the lowest common denominator.

"its not you its me" is the shit i am feed the most, and its my fault.

ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you thats all i get.

but thats not even the biggest issue..... the biggest is i think life has sucked the creative juice straight from me and i dont know how to get it back.

i spend most of my days trying not to cry from sheer lonliness.

and you know what makes it worse....i had someone say to me "but your already at the top, why the fuck do you need anyone?"

does anyone out there know what its like to be at the top?

and no i dont mean money wise, fuck riches, ivehad them and lost them, they dont mean shit to me.

i mean enlightenment, and no i dont mean the budist type lets reach nirvana enlightenment.

i mean real world i get it i can see all of it and all of its bullshit enlightenment.

most of the world only views the world in the way that suits them best for thier own little part of it.

well im cursed with the forsight to see all of it, and all of its shit....dont believe me, have a two minute convo with me and i can draw out your life with a few simple questions and show you how to get out of your shit.

and i can do that for me too except in one area.

and its all because i cant dumb down myself to exsist on this level of understanding companionship.

i thought i knew what it meant...but i guess i dont.

i thought love meant caring and giving your all to make the union better for all involved....but maybe im wrong. maybe it involves lies deciet and massive amounts of conflict to make it work, which i have no clue how to do.

i fix conflict not cause it.

so i guess what im saying is in conclusion, is i am destine to be a man ahead of his time, and never understand anything.

and i know my rantings makes no sense, cause no one will ever get it, so i dont even know why i am writing this.

lol life hate the ones who can see her for what she is, a shitty mistress with sociopathic tendencies who chews up anyone who dosent play by her rules.

well life, im chewed, can you spit me out now?